Last attempt

So here it is, November, winter is starting to creep in. Soon there will be snow on the ground intombing my rv preventing me from performing much needed repairs. 

The reason I titled this entry my last attempt is because I now have a goal and a plan.

I'm selling my house and using that money to buy property in New Mexico. I will use my rv to move all my crap out there and then provide shelter while I build my retirement home. So it just has to make it one way. Which I have no doubt it will.

So the first step is to sell the house. This is going to be a tough nut to crack. The market is bad and it needs a lot of work so I don't expect to get much for it. On the positive side land out in New Mexico is very cheap and it will not cost much to get the rv rolling. 

My previous plans have all failed for one reason or another but mostly because I let other events in my life distract me. And because I never had a well defined plan.

This time however it's going to be different. I have my plan and I will focus all my attention on obtaining my goal. Of course the time it wil take is totally dependent on when I sell the property. I'm going to do this.

I'm looking for a secluded piece of land that is not too far from civilization. But not too close. I will generate my own power and use every self sustaining technique to live a nice quite life.

And because I'm not a millionaire I will have to do something to generate money because I will have to pay property tax.

I have already started the ball rolling. The house is on the market and I am waiting patiently for a bite.

I think I will clean out the rv before the snow actually starts falling.

Ok, until next time.

The good old days

When I was younger and in middle school I think I remember being a relatively normal kid, aside from being freakishly tall. Then, somewhere along the way I started to feel as though I was on the outside. My friends seemed to be different. Acting different. There seemed to be a growing separation between me and my friends. I was told that it was just my imagination and that it was just a part of growing up. I believed that for a long time.

In high school the growing separation had become a giant void. I knew there where things I was missing out on. I wasn't included in any of the activities my friends were into. But I had no proof. They would be talking about something they did and it sounded like it was a lot of fun. But I never knew what was going on. Nobody ever involved me.

I was told again and again that it was all in my head, that I was over sensitive and overreacting. I felt completely isolated in high school. I didn't know what was wrong with me, why I was so worked up over something that wasn't happening.

Well, I'm 47 now and computers have transformed our society so epically that there are no secrets anymore. I am embarrassed to say that I check out facebook at lease once a day. A majority of my friends are from high school. And most of them post pictures of those long lost days back in high school.

And I have to say, much to my relief, I was not wrong back then. I was not over reacting or misreading the situation. My friends did do a lot of stuff back then. I was simply not their friend.

Ok, enough soul crushing self pity for now.

I'm sick and I have to rest.

Ok time to get serious. Really.

I've been spending some time reflecting on the things I've done and the direction my life has been going. And what I have concluded so far is that I am both a very complex person and a very simple person all wrapped up in very lost person.

First off, I suffer from wanderlust. It's a real thing. It's something that I have deal with every day.

In short I can't be in one place for any extended period of time. Why? I don't know. I have always had that travel bug but it isn't as simple as wanting to go somewhere. I actually enjoy being on the road. I enjoy having a destination. And once I get there I feel as though I belong there. Until the need for moving hits me again. 

I have traveled around the world, not a great deal of it but more than the averadge person. Even when I was in Germany I found friends and had a good time all the while not speaking much German.

The travel is what I enjoy flying, driving, sailing, it doesn't matter what mode of transport I use, although I prefer driving myself.

This need, this wanderlust has pushed me in directions that have brought me to where I am today.

Nowhere.

I have trouble holding jobs because the need gets so bad that I go into this self destruct mode that I can't control and it won't stop until I drive.

Just get on the road and drive.

I hate the feeling I eventually get when I'm in one place too long and it's always the same. 

Trapped.

All that goes through my mind all day is 'get out while you can.'

I'm having that problem at my current job. I love the work, the people are easy to get along with. The pay is not great but it pays the bills.

I have been there for just under three months and winter is starting to rear its ugly head.

I want to go south to warmer weather. The need is growing.

I'm starting to make excuses to myself why I won't make it there. Just leave.

I'm good at what I do and as far as I can tell I'm liked there. But I have doubts in the back of my mind that creep up and stop any nonsense that I coud possibly be a contributing worker in a company that shurly will see that I am a fraud.

But I'm not a fraud. I'm good at what I do. Why can't I be normal.

Ok, enough for today.